"Home" - The Wiz

Homesickness is a very real illness and I am definitely infected with it. There are so many things I miss about being home and in my neighborhood that I keep fantasizing about what it would be like if I had a 24 hour "hall pass." If I could leave the hospital for 24 hours and not have any of the physical limitations I am currently facing (muscle atrophy, fatigue, contractions), what sort of things would I take advantage of? With all of this time on my hands, I have deeply thought about my escape and what that day would entail. First and foremost before any special outings, I would arrive back home and just enjoy being there. I would spend a lot of time with my cats because at this point, they probably think I am either dead or I abandoned them! After some quality time with my four legged kids, I will take that long awaited shower I keep dreaming about. I would love to take a bubble bath too but on my one day off, I want to limit the amount of lying down for obvious reasons. Once I am fully clean and rejuvenated from the shower, I will put on real clothes (not pajamas) and actually put some shoes on! Wearing my normal clothes, I will venture outside into the fresh air and just take a nice long walk in the sunshine. Not being able to go outside and only breathing air from an air conditioner is unbelievably depressing...especially when I have a window to look out of to taunt me and make me feel like a caged bird. This is probably one of the toughest things to deal with at the hospital because I do feel like a prisoner sometimes. Okay, back to my fantasy! Where was I...oh yeah, in the great outdoors. So I spend a good amount of time just walking around my neighborhood taking in the beauty of nature and doing some much needed people watching. I walk to my favorite local nail salon and get the full mani/pedi/massage treatment as a gift to myself. I loved the session I had at the hospital but nothing beats the real experience of sitting in one of those comfy chairs that massages your back the entire time. Yum!

After fulfilling my mind and body, the next order of business is taking care of my stomach with food! At the hospital, the food has gotten very repetitive and I am not enjoying ordering the same things over and over again. Plus, it never arrives very hot since there is a long path taken in order to reach my room. The same holds true for food brought in by visitors. I love getting variety with outside meals but I am constantly eating food that is luke warm or heated up by a microwave. To top it off, I have only been allowed to eat while lying in bed with a big towel draped over me for spills. Not very appetizing or comfortable. For my hospital day off, I will actually sit at a table and receive piping hot food! The first place I go...In-N-Out Burger, and I will savor every minute of it.

Now that I am fed and have gotten my fill of being outside, I will hop into my car and drive around to run errands and go shopping. This day is not about doing anything extraordinary but literally just doing the ordinary. I miss normal and part of that normal is driving to pick up the dry cleaning, stopping by Petsmart for cat food, and taking a stroll through the mall to buy clothes and eat a pretzel. You would think that on my one day off I would rush over to Disneyland, go to the theatre, or do something really exciting but honestly, it's all about the simple things. The most simple thing being at the very end of the day, where the only lying down I want to do is on my own bed. Sleeping on a twin sized slanted hospital bed is about as uncomfortable as it sounds. Regardless of the countless hours I have spent lying in bed at the hospital, I still just want to curl up in my own bed and sleep soundly without any beeping contraction monitors waking me up. Although this entire day is simply a fantasy, I will get to do all of these things soon enough once I have delivered. Well, maybe not the sleeping soundly part once the babies come home but everything else is definitely possible. Until then, I will have to keep clicking my heels with the hopes that I will soon be back home.

*The song "Home" is from the 1975 Broadway musical The Wiz which is a unique retelling of The Wizard of Oz way before Wicked came along. The Wiz was then made into a movie in 1978 starring Diana Ross as Dorothy and Michael Jackson as the Scarecrow. This was one of my favorite movies growing up which I watched on Betamax...yes Betamax, not VHS. This song in the show is the closing number where Dorothy is about to go back home after experiencing her amazing journey through Oz. She reflects on what she has learned, how she has grown, and how much she will appreciate her life back in Kansas. In a way, I am in my own kind of Oz, far away from home facing challenges and making new friends. Like Dorothy, I want nothing more than to go home and be in my familiar surroundings again. My husband actually gave me the idea for this blog post because he asked me what I would do if I had one day to go back to my former life. This song popped into my head and I started thinking about how Dorothy felt being stuck in Oz. Like Dorothy, I also realize that there is no place like home and thankfully, soon that home will include two little munchkins!

There's no place like home...with Milo

"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" - The Phantom of the Opera

Ever since I started trying to get pregnant, my mom was always on my mind. Now that I'm pregnant and in the condition that I am, she is even more present than before. When she passed away over four years ago, I was engaged to Brett and I couldn't stop thinking about how hard it would be the next year on my wedding day to not have her with me. Frankly, every process leading up to the wedding was hard because before she got really sick, I had the expectation that she would help me pick out a dress, plan the shower, give a toast at the rehearsal dinner, etc. Now that I am at the next stage in my life and about to become a mother myself, not having her here is 100 times harder than what I went through for my wedding. That was ultimately only one day, but having my own children will be for the rest of my life and she can't be there for even one minute of that. I do strongly believe in ghosts and spirits and know that she is with me right now in that sense. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I would tell people that my mom was the "behind the scenes production manager" making sure these babies are growing and developing perfectly. I even think that she had something to do with the perfect timing of catching my major pregnancy complication before it caused us to lose the twins. My mother is definitely my guardian angel so I take comfort in knowing that even though she is not here physically, she is working her magic in ways we can't see with the naked eye. Even with this reassurance of knowing that she is around me, it does not make up for the fact that my kids will never get to meet her when they are born or grow up with her as their doting grandmother.

At this point, I do not have any more anger regarding her death but only disappointment that her life was cut so short. Since she passed away from a disease that was completely preventable (COPD), it is frustrating to think that if she just stopped smoking at the first signs of trouble, she could still be around today. In a way, she chose her own death and with that choice came the consequences of not being around to enjoy her grandchildren. I stopped being angry about it because that ultimately was her choice and not mine. I had no control and there was nothing I could do to stop her from smoking. She would always tell me "why should I quit smoking today when I could get hit by a bus tomorrow?" or "I want my last breath to be mentholated." My mom had such a fatalistic attitude and never wanted to give up something that gave her such pleasure because in a way, she believed she would eventually die from something else or at least hoped that she would. She constantly told me about people who smoked just as much as she did that were never affected by smoking related illnesses which helped justify her decision to never quit. Unfortunately, fate would not let her be one of those "lucky smokers" and she passed away very slowly and in a lot of pain.

As I now lay bed ridden, I can't help but remember my mom at that time of her life when she was always at some hospital. Part of the reason for choosing my current hospital so far from where I live is because I have bad memories of my mom at pretty much every hospital in the valley. Regardless of my choice and being in the happiest ward possible, my father still has not come to visit me, probably because of his own bad memories of my mom in hospitals. I completely get where he is coming from but if the tables were turned, I would suck it up and do the right thing. Again, I have no control over his choices just like no one had control over mom's smoking habits. But at a time like this, if I can't have my mom with me, I would really love to have my dad.

With all of this time to sit here and think, I wish that I could at least just talk to my mom and ask her advice about pregnancy and parenting. I do talk to her late at night but the conversation is very one-sided and I get no answers. Luckily, I do have others to turn to and a bunch of family and friends to "fill in" for my mom but nothing compares to the real thing of course. I have a picture I look at everyday of her holding me when I was about two that I keep next to my hospital bed. I think about how much joy she could have had with the twins and can only pray that before they are born, she is able to spend time with their souls while still on the other side. Who knows...maybe my kids will be able to see and talk to her when they are little since most children have that ability to communicate with spirits at a very young age. Or for those of you who don't believe in that stuff...they will make a new "imaginary friend."

*The song "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" is from the 1986 Broadway musical The Phantom of the Operawhich is one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's most famous shows. In the musical, Christine sings this song about her late father when she goes to visit his grave. Even though this song of mourning is written about a father, ever since September 12, 2007, I hear it and instantly think about my mom and how I lost her too soon. Overall, losing a parent at any age is difficult. In my case, I was able to enjoy having her in my life for nearly 26 years which may seem short to most. But then I think about all of the people who have lost a parent much younger than I was, or never even knew their parent because they were too young to remember. I keep running into the fact that there is always someone else who is less fortunate. At least I have 26 years of memories and great times I can look back on so that I can tell hundreds of Grandma Trudy stories to my kids. Some people only have pictures with just a few stories that came from someone else's memory. The focus should never be on what was lost, but what was gained. Everyone who knew my mom was so lucky to have her in their lives for as long as they did. Even if they only knew her one day, that would have been better than none at all.

Picture next to my hospital bed

Me and Mom in Las Vegas (2001)

"How the Other Half Lives" - Thoroughly Modern Millie

I have been told that inquiring minds would like to know what a typical day looks like in my new life at the hospital. It is a pretty fascinating subculture that I am experiencing by living here and I am actually surprised at how much I can get done in a day...or not if my body is screaming for a nap. Being here two weeks now, I have begun to follow a routine which helps pass the time and ensure that I am as productive as possible. At 5:30am my day starts with the first of my medications being given to me. At this point I am barely conscious but once I am up, I cannot fall back asleep since my next medication has to be distributed at 6:00am. Both of these medications are given to help stop the contractions that I continue to have. The first medication is solely used to coat my stomach and the second one is the actual anti-contraction medication that apparently can be harsh on your insides which is why I get the first pill 30 minutes prior. After that second pill, I get out of bed for the first time of the day and quickly use the bathroom. The nurse has to take off these leg compressions which I wear at night to help prevent blood clots in my legs. In addition, I am constantly hooked up to a contraction monitor but only unplug it when I have to use the bathroom. The nurses watch the results of this monitor non-stop and if I am unplugged for longer than a normal bathroom break, I get someone checking in to make sure I am not doing anything else...big brother is always watching! I have to wait until 7:00am to order my breakfast so usually this is the only point where I turn on the TV so I can pass the time. The TV is annoying to use because I don't have the modern conveniences of a normal remote control or a DVR so all commercials must be watched or I have to flip through every channel since I only have two buttons which control going up or down. It's kind of like having dial-up internet again or using a rotary phone...thank God for Hulu and Netflix at least!

Once I have finished eating, my day nurse comes to greet me and checks all of my vital signs...always asking the ever important question "when was your last bowel movement?" Ahhhh...I will not miss that. After checking on me, the best part of my morning happens when they check the babies' heartbeats with the doppler devices. Most of the time, the twins are busy with their morning swim so a majority of the nurses take about 15-20 minutes just trying to find them and get them to stay still to hear steady heartbeats on the monitor. That sound is such music to my ears! After the assessment is complete, I am given more pills to round out my morning (baby aspirin, stool softener, iron supplement, Pepcid AC, and Tums)...yummy. Then my nurse hands me all of my toothbrushing supplies in bed and my carefully orchestrated teeth cleaning begins using multiple cups for rinsing and spitting in lieu of a sink. I am then set up to give myself a sponge bath in bed which makes me really miss hot showers. My hair only gets washed in the sink about once a week so that day is very sacred. Once finished, all of my bed sheets and linens are changed and I am now ready to start being productive and get very important things done...like this blog.

The rest of my day goes pretty smoothly as I tackle my new "job" of writing the blog. This is my main focus while I am here because not only is it therapeutic, but I love being able to document everything that is happening to me during this unique experience. Plus, I have been researching and signing up to various support groups online and sharing my blog with other women in the same situation. My blog is not here to just help me, but offer support to others since this bed rest thing can get pretty difficult and sticking together is important. In between writing my blog, I am logging on to Facebook to chat with my local bed rest moms next door to me to find out what is the latest and greatest. In between all of this time on the computer, my next round of stomach coating and anti-contraction meds are given at 11:30am and 12:00pm which reminds me that lunch needs to be ordered. Around this time as well, my room gets fully cleaned and the song "I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here" from Annie starts playing in my head. I relish the hotel-like room service with food I don't have to cook and cleaning that I don't have take care of. Plus, if I am really lucky, one of the hospital therapy dogs pays me a visit! I am sure that there will come a time after I have been home with the twins that I will wish I was back here!

The rest of my day consists of phone calls to loved ones, hanging out with visitors, answering emails, and reading which gets me through to dinner time where I eat and then have another assessment done by the night nurse. Yay for baby heartbeats to listen to! I get my prenatal vitamins and more Pepcid AC and Tums (lying down all day with your feet higher than your head doesn't make your tummy happy). I once again perform my lying down toothbrushing act and then settle down by either putting the finishing touches on my blog entry or watching TV or movies on my computer. I do not know how moms on bed rest handled it before laptop computers and the internet! I make myself stay up until midnight because I get my last round of stomach coating and anti-contraction meds at 11:30pm and 12:00am. At that point, I get strapped into my leg compressions and I fall asleep to the hum of my humidifier.

*The song "How the Other Half Lives" is from the 2002 Broadway musical Thoroughly Modern Milliewhich is set in the early 1920's. In the song, two new friends Millie and Miss Dorothy, talk about how they want to try an opposite way of living and experience either a poorer or richer existence. Living in a hospital, the grass is pretty much always greener elsewhere because this is not a chosen destination for most. I am getting more used to living here and I do look forward to my daily tasks and new routine. However, it is hard to leave behind your life and sacrifice a huge amount of independence but thankfully, this is only temporary. My goal everyday is to make the best of it and constantly count my blessings. Poor...not me!

My contraction monitor

Hard working therapy dog

Love at first sight